Heart-Wrench Me

Talk about a bittersweet mixture of emotions and pain. Today I received an IM from my old high school crush from last year. I believed I was over him... outta sight outta mind basically, no biggie, right? Wrong. I got a familiar lurch in the tummy, the whole "oooh he's talking to me" sensation that makes me giddy inside, and then I was like... WTF?!?!?!?! Why am I feeling this way when he made me feel like a total fool, when there's no chance, and he and I are positive negative opposites, that would never work.
He basically led me on, where my heart was totally on the line, I just opened up my soul to him, and then it was like... bleh... he was so flirtatious, nice, etc. but then he got himself a girlfriend, which made me look like a desperate little slut, and he continued to be nice to me and flirt and all. And I can't help but still feel attraction, when I know it's impossible, and he treated me like crap. He told me I was "buena onda" today, which means "pretty cool," but it still pains me, because he just fucking led me on and was nice to me as he was crushing my heart to little tiny bits. If he had been an asshole about it, I could've hated him and moved on, because assholes aren't worth it. And so now I have this love-hate memory that I had pushed out of mind for awhile, and I guess I just never dealt with it.
He reminds me too much of all my mistakes last year, is what it is. He reminds me of the falls and foolish things that happened last year as I was in the process of moving from Eric to singleness, and I didn't really know how to deal with it all. I had spent 10th and 11th grade with boyfriends, so I was basically pushed into my ninth-grade non-boyfriend mentality, which is not good for someone who's 17 as opposed to 14. There's too much I regret from my high-school years. And I'm still in transition phase from high-school mentality to college mentality, from adolescent to adult mentality and stuff, which makes all those memories bad. Not this "more innocent time" memory lane, but "dear GOD how foolish" memory lane.
I want to wash away the hurt and regret that I felt about him, and move on to better things, like a future in which I can just look back and laugh, not cry, and feel a twinge of sadness, which fades into joy at the bright present that I would have.
I hope he goes to Monterrey and I don't have to think about him or last year anymore, until I can realize one day that "wow, it's all over now" and I can be happy.
It just makes me feel all that more lonely and sad to be away from home and from dear friends. I hate weekends.

I promised that I'd post some pictures from my Geology field trip when I learned how to post the pictures. Here is me in front of the Colorado River (I believe) in the Llano Uplift.

Instead of Doing homework, I am making up for lack of blog posts:

From Blogger:

Blogger News
NaNoBlogMo

A bunch of us here at the office are going to participate in National Novel Writing Month this year and we thought it might be fun to use Blogger for the challenge. Would you be interested in Blogging Your Novel along with us?
– Biz [10/19/2004 03:10:26 PM]

It's National Novel Writing Month? Why don't people send me memos? Next thing I know it'll be National Knit-yourself-a-sweater-and-talk-about-Lord-of-the-Rings Month and I'll find out on the last day of it. Please God, keep me informed!

In response to a flying toaster-ed blog post:

My cousin Matt (of past three blog entry fame) posted a laugh at having George W. Bush's hometown newspaper endorse John Kerry. Read about it at the UT Student Newspaper, The Daily Texan.

Now, realize what John Kerry's hometown did to him: Texan Article.

It's both ironic and rather hilarious that both hometowns of both presidential candidates decided to endorse 'the wrong guy.'

ORGANISMIC!!!!! (Or Orgasmic, whichever you prefer)

I saw this and I got shivers down my spine, my face broke out into a wide grin, and I felt like getting up and screaming for joy, sharing my bliss with anyone who would listen and not be afraid:

BEHOLD: ROTK- EXTENDED!!!!!!!!!


Thanks to my cousin Matt for this truly extatic experience that has made my day forever.

I miss my Washington State cousins. It's rather unfortunate that we're not going to be able to see each other this Christmas, due to late planning and uber expensive plane tickets. They're such wonderful family, very different and (in my opinion), more hospitable than, say, my Connecticut cousins. See, Matt and Dan and Uncle Steve and Aunt Mary Lou are much easier to be around, very down-to-earth, and definitely more on the same wavelength than others. It's really quite freaky when we compare siblings as in, Uncle Steve and Daddy, Matt and myself, and Dan and Paloma. We've noticed that the oldest siblings tend to have the "Pearson genes": loooooong torso, short legs, and less athletic inclination, but lotsa intellectual inclination. The second set of siblings tend to have the "other" genes: loooong legs, shorter torso, much more athletic inclination, and yes, they're still very smart, just that they tend to blend their athleticism with intellectualism, whereas we oldest siblings tend to be intellectuals first and foremost.I call them "other" genes because I don't really know what else to call them. My grandfather has the "Pearson" genes, whenceforth we derive the name, but I don't know if they're quite "Livingston" genes (grandma's maiden name) or what. So Uncle Steve, Matt, and myself have the Pearson genes, Daddy, Dan, and Paloma have the "other" genes, and there you go. Pretty much needless to say, I get along phenomenally with my cousin Matt, and pretty well with Dan, it's just I don't talk to him apart from Christmas visits. Matt is a computer GENIUS I tell you, with all sorts of wonderful mathematical/scientific talents that I can only tip my hat to and marvel at. He is fantastically funny with probably the kindest and most generous heart I've ever known. Basically, if you ask him to do something for you, out of the goodness of his heart he'll put forth a bajillion percent effort every time, despite its consequences on his health/alertness/time. He's always incredibly well-informed about sweet and really cool information, especially that which concerns nifty little websites and such. Plus, he has "whiskers" on his chin that are really fun to tug at random intervals, much to his chagrin. His blog is chock full of his wondrous internet discoveries and interesting internet musings. I really miss my cousins.

Weekends

I really quite despise them. They're the time of week when if you're at home, or in high school, you await because you don't have to deal with teachers and schoolwork, and you can just relax and chill. However, when you're a lonely college student like myself, whose roommate decides to leave every weekend (because her mom insists, and because something awful tends to happen to people she cares about each time she goes home), and whose family is miles away, the weekends suck. I was going to hang out with Laura and company today, but she had a blinding migraine (literally) and so she called it off. I had lunch today with a family friend and some of her colleagues and their kids/consorts etc, but it was really not my cup of tea. Tomorrow I'll probably go see "Team America" with Irvine, but on Friday, when we were walking back, I was really hyperactive and exaggeratedly excited, so to onlookers, I probably appeared drunk, because of the way I was laughing. I hope he's not embarrased, and next time I promise I'll be nice and serious. (and dull.) But yea, there's a discussion on Thursday about Pride and Prejudice, and I'm really excited about it, because although I have read the novel, it was at the end of ninth grade. I know what happens, but I really don't remember the details. So I'm going to attempt to read it by Thursday, and if I fall short, that is why Cliff's Notes exist :) I'm also seriously considering culinary school after University. I guess it's because I've been consoling my loneliness with Jamie Oliver television shows. I really would love to live in England and study the culinary arts, but I don't have family there to stay with, which makes things expensive and lonely. So I don't know. I'll try to do a year abroad first, make friends, and then see about culinary school and grad school in the UK. It's my fantasy life really, but I don't know how I'll achieve it. I have all these dreams about opening my own knitting cafe, or about traveling the world and living in different countries, especially the UK and Ireland, about having world-class culinary skills, about learning long-lost domestic arts such as embroidery, sewing, knitting, crochet, etc.

And I'll shut up now before I get depressed at the money, time, and impossibility involved in such ventures.

A Wedding Story

Well, I was thinking about life, the universe, and everything (not necessarily in that order), and simultaneously was watching "A Wedding Story" on TLC with Carol, when I got to thinking about something in the category of "life." I thought about what would happen when/if/how I got married. I was thinking about the dress I would wear (I have yet to figure that one out), the man I would marry (I have yet to figure that one out as well), and the place I would get married at (El Escorial, in Spain, where my parents got married). I wonder what it would be like... to give yourself and your life over to share with another person. I would probably break down and cry as I walked down the aisle with my dad, because I can imagine the look of sadness of letting me go and pride at seeing me all grown up and stuff on his face, and I can imagine my mom helping me get ready and everything. Ah! I'm getting all mushy and future-oriented. I want a fun wedding though, something a little unexpected but still classy and elegant. Laura was telling me how when she and Higley (her fiance/boyfriend fellow) get married in 2 years, they're going to include little bits of history here and there to make it exciting, since she and he are both history nuts. I guess the thing I'm most concerned about though is the WHO of the entire marriage question. And that question is the most important.

Mo Rocca Rocks!

I saw him last night at the Texas Union Ballroom, where he gave a "Distinguished Lecture Talk." Laura got me a ticket, so she, Angela and Stephanie (her roommates) got in line around 4:30, and I joined them as soon as I got out of class. Well, the lecture didn't start till 7, but thank GOD we got there early, because apparently by 6:30 the line extended out to 24th street! We got front and center seats to one of the best and funniest comedian/fake reporters in America. He basically bashed everybody, politically speaking, and was wildly entertaining. Afterwards, Laura was daring/raunchy enough to have him sign her breasts, Angela was adventurous enough to have him sign her Organic Chem book, and Stephanie and I were normal enough to have him sign a book and program, respectively. He spelled my name as Emory (as in, the board or the college) but then he asked if he spelled it right, and I told him my name was Anne--marie, and then he corrected it. So yea, Mo Rocca is just another person to spell my name wrong. But yea, he was great and hilarious, and I definitely enjoyed learning who another television personality is. I may have to start watching TV so I don't seem like another ignorant fool to not know who Mo Rocca is before I see him lecture.

I got back yesterday from seeing my family in Brownsville. Sometimes I wish I could just drop everything and go home to be with my family. However, the sentiment is lessening, because I really like UT and Austin, and plus, I have friends! Surprise surprise! Carol hasn't come back from this weekend, which indicates that something dreadful must have happened. She said that her grandmother was very ill, and that she might have to have surgery. Her grandma is very old, and has so many health complications that she might have just let herself go to be rid of them. I really do hope that nothing that serious has happened, and that if it has, that Carol will be alright.

In other matters, I have found a beautiful version of the Eric Clapton band (Blind Faith)'s song "Can't Find My Way Home" sung by Allison Krauss. She has a lovely voice, and her voice in that song is so soothing and beautiful. I also have yet to finish writing my Mid-Term paper for English by tonight, so that daddy can correct it, and I can turn it in tomorrow. I also am planning on knitting a new pair of socks, or better said, my first pair of socks. Cheer me on!

It's Registration Time!

Before I get to that, I just want to say that both yesterday and today have been really great. It's the chilly time of year when you can bust out your sweaters and feel cozy, and you feel like reading outside in the sun, or in a coffeeshop if it's raining. I felt like that today as I sat on the lawn in front of the Main Building with Laura, just talking. Yesterday, I went to Starbucks to grab a pumpkin-spice frappuccino, and it started raining on the way home. It felt so great to just walk in the rain.

Yesterday I decided to figure out what classes I should probably take for next semester, and I came up with four prospective schedules. More on that later... I have to write a paper, get some money, do laundry, and pack my bags to head home to Brownsville for tomorrow. Farewell!

What Color is your Brain?

What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla

Apparently, I am:
BLUE:

At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.

Or Maybe I'm:


What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla

GREEN:

At work or in school: I work best by myself. I like to focus on my ideas until my desire for understanding is satisfied. I am easily bored if the subject holds no interest to me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to set priorities because so many things are of interest.
With friends: I may seem reserved. Although my thoughts and feelings run deep, I am uneasy with frequent displays of emotion. I enjoy people who are interesting and of high integrity.
With family: I am probably seen as a loner because I like a lot of private time to think. Sometimes, I find family activities boring and have difficulty following family rules that don't make sense to me. I show love by spending time with my family and sharing ideas and interests.

Ah... Procrastination!

Yea Verily... I beith in the realm of procrastination. It sucketh. For here I be, reveling in the glories of yarn and knitting needles, and unabridged Lord of the Rings audiobooks, and yet I have my Geology Midterm tomorrow. Not to mention I have an overabundance of fruit that my mom sent me on saturday. Yum! I feel like some French Onion soup, but I've already eaten enough. I need to really invest in some good yarn. You know, I may just take some Business classes and decide to open a knitting cafe or soemthing having to do with tea and yarn after I graduate. I would like that. Very much in fact. But here I go, memorizing the minerals on the Mohs Hardness Scale: Talc, Gypsum, Calcite, Fluorite, Apatite, Feldspar, Quartz, Topaz, Corundum, Diamond... WHEEE... now how the F*** do I identify those damn minerals? Beats the heck out of me. At least I know it's Evil Incarcerated. ahem... Evil Incarnated... lol, what was I thinking in reciting what those two girls sitting behind me in Archaeology were bitching about... ok, lemme 'splain. There were two chit-chatting girls behind me in my Archeology class today. They were talking about someone they hated, and they were like, "Ugh... so-and-so is Evil Incarcerated." I burst out laughing. It's almost as good as having someone perform the Heimlich Remover on you.... lol.... ask me later, for yea, verily: I must study.

Knitting, Knitting, Knitting! La la la la la LA!!!

Whee! In a serendipitous moment of serendipity, I clicked the "next blog" button as I sat back and admired my handiwork, and lo and behold, I came across a knitting blog. Unable to keep my curiosity to myself, I read her blog, and then proceeded to read the knitting blogs she read. (I really am a link whore... I can't stop clicking 'em) Whaddyaknow? I have over 20 new ideas for knitting projects and watching people knit their own. I WANNA LEARN HOW TO KNIT PRETTY SWEATERS!!!!!! I guess there is only so much you can do with teaching yourself. If only I had five years in which to learn everything I've ever wanted to learn, without threat of financial ruin or of career ruin. Gourmet Cookery, crochet, knitting, needlework, dressmaking, decoupage, Latin, reading my little heart out, feng shui, simple interior decoration, antique restoration, etc. Dammit! Life is way too short. By the time I'll actually have enough money to learn these wonderful things without having to worry about job pressures and the like, I'll probably be married and have kids, because if I wait to have money, then do my five-year learning spree, any prospects of a family go down the potty. As it stands, my prospects of a family are slim, what with all the traveling and studying I know I'm going to have to do. Besides, I don't want to have kids at age 40, because not only will my parents not be able to see their grandkids, but I probably won't see grandkids myself. Oh, if only I lived 200 years ago as the daughter of a rich tradesman or something, and I would learn about crochet, and beautiful embroidery, weaving, knitting and dressmaking and all sorts of lovely things by the time I was 15. One of my dreams is to make my own wedding linens, such as napkins, sheets, pillowcases, tablecloths, etc. However, I know that it's so impractical to do that, that I'm probably going to either inherit or buy them. I have wretchedly haunting fantasies about embroidering my own napkins and making my own clothes, but it's so damn impractical! I guess I'm gonna have to figure out how to make this all work.... how I'm possibly going to juggle graduate school, traveling around the world (which I most DEFINITELY want to do out of the context of tourism), marriage, a family, and a hobby. I probably need to marry a doctor or something to be able to afford the leisure time. I hate money. It's a fictitious entity that sucks. And you need it to live, and it's just a damn piece of paper. I hate it because it governs every single possibility of enjoyment. I hate it because people's lives revolve around it. I hate it because wars are fought over it. Most of all, I hate it because everybody wants it, and having it only makes you want more. God, please send me a great-aunt that wants me to inherit her victorian home and a million untaxed dollars, so I can feasably fulfill my dreams in this money-obsessed world.

Now that I'm done phlosophizing, I should probably stop messing on the computer and actually study before "Bodas de Sangre." I hate tests. Just as much as I hate cockroaches. And money.

My Name Acronym

A	Altruistic
N	Naive
N	Noisy
E	Edgy
M	Mysterious
A	Altruistic
R	Responsible
I	Ideal
E	Excellent

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

History Channel Original Movie!

Well, it looks like my dad is getting flown out to LA for an interview with the History Channel people about the KAL case. I hope it goes well. They've been really interested in his book, the interviews he did on Japanese TV, Nightline, and the Today Show. I mean, this stuff happened 20 years ago, but I guess they consider it history now. Well, if they're already coming out with pop-culture board games chronicling the 90's and an "I Love the 90's" showing on VH1, then something that happened in 1983 should be fair game for TV shows, I would think. I'll be waiting to hear exactly what they do with it. :) (*Is so proud of her daddy*)

FrankenTut? Tutenstein?

WTF!?!?! Apparently, on NBC Saturday Mornings, there's a blend of King Tut and Frankenstein coming back to life in modern days. It's so... wrong! Especially for someone who's actually studying Ancient Egypt. Well, I guess you've gotta bring crappy ideas to life when you run out of good ones for TV shows. I'm sure Professor Nethercut (my Ancient Egypt professor) will be thrilled, because he got all excited when we watched a clip from Sesame Street about a boy who had lived 4000 years and needed to make it to the heavens to become a "star" (as in, one of those twinkly things, not a hollywood hot-shot). He got very excited when Osiris called Big Bird "Ibis" and how the actual judgment of Egyptians took place (They weigh your heart against the feather of justice, to see if your good qualities outweigh the bad). So I'm sure if they throw in tidbits about Ancient Egypt, Professor Nethercut will go wild. Tutenstein... that sounds like a rancid German dessert. The things people come up with, really.

Bandwith Recovery!

Yay! I have bandwidth now!!!! I sorta, um, used it all up on Wednesday, so I wasn't able to update at all with my dial-up like slowness, but now that Friday the recovery day has arrived, I can move at lightning speeds! Whee! Anyway, yesterday was really fun, because I hung out with Laura for quite a bit of time. We went out to lunch to the Kismet Cafe, where we ate Middle-Eastern food (yum!) and chatted about our lives, interests, pursuits of happiness, etc. She's really cool and a great person to hang around. I really think we've got a great chance at staying friends. Anyway, she invited me to go with her and her roommate Angela to the Texas Union's showing of "Napoleon Dynamite." Needless to say, there was a line a mile long an hour before showing. So we waited, we advanced, and then two bounding guys yelled out "The theatre's full! No more seats!" We stood in disbelief, then decided to quench our depression with Wendy's. And we basically sat and chatted for two hours over fries and frosties. We talked of Harry Potter, hot guys, and why white-asian children are so beautiful. So there you go. And only yesterday I also discovered that I have a mid-term in my Geo Lab on Tuesday. I thought it was a week from tuesday, but NOOOOO... It's on THIS tuesday. That means that I have to study soooo much over this weekend. It's really no fair that our TA mislabeled all the dates for class on the syllabus. Also, tonight I'm going to see "Bodas de Sangre" ("Blood Wedding") with Irvine. Considering the huge deal that was made about it in Spanish class the past few years, I figured I needed to see it. So yea... and Carol is actually going to stay here this weekend! I'm very surprised, but also very glad, because she hasn't actually spent the weekend here since.... ever. Indeed. G'day.

Weekend Update

This past weekend was really fun. On Saturday, I went on a fanatical cleaning spree before heading over to celebrate Irvine's birthday at P.F. Chang's. DAMN! That was goooood! I feel really young, though, because he's 20 and I'm 17... but oh well, I'll be 18 soon enough. On Sunday I went to the Geo Field Trip, and I'll post some pictures later on, when I know how to fix them up and make them smaller. I was exhausted today from the trip, because we did lots of traveling and "scrambling" around on rocks. It was great, though.

Right now I'm feeling really artistic rather than studious, and I'm taking really interesting and artsy pictures. Dunno how good they are, but they're at least semi-artistic. One thing I hate is being artistic at precisely the moments I need to be most practical. Like now. I have to study and do my dishes, but all I want to do is take pictures.

My Simultaneous Love Affairs

The entities I am in a love affair with at the moment:
1. "Sex and the City" episodes
2. Mix tape making
3. Mint chocolate chip ice cream
4. My Lord of the Rings poster
5. Cranberry Orange Redbush Tea
6. My hair straightener
7. Cello Music
8. Pop songs from the 6th grade
9. Conspiracy theories
10. Photography
11. Walking rather than riding the bus
12. Rain and Lightning
13. The idea of buying pretty new shoes
14. Peaches

Look Who's Back

The week from Hell has finished! That's the reason I've been dead to the world the past five days. You would not believe the amount of studying that I did. I think I did quite well on my Geology test, I got an A on one of two papers for my English class, I believe I did relatively "ok" on my Archaeology test, and I think I pretty much aced my Ancient Egypt Test. How's that for a week? Two tests in the same day, another that week, plus two papers? I'm just glad I survived. Add to that that I maxed my bandwidth on Wednesday, that basically made it impossible for me to post. But now it's all OK. I treated myself to Japanese food, ice cream, and a giant 3'x5' poster of Middle Earth. This weekend I'm just going to do the readings I need to do for classes, maybe get ahead, but mainly I'm just going to relax and roleplay for Harry Potter, and enjoy the Geology field trip I'm going on on Sunday. But anyway, I'm back: alive and kickin'. Tata!