Heart-Wrench Me
Talk about a bittersweet mixture of emotions and pain. Today I received an IM from my old high school crush from last year. I believed I was over him... outta sight outta mind basically, no biggie, right? Wrong. I got a familiar lurch in the tummy, the whole "oooh he's talking to me" sensation that makes me giddy inside, and then I was like... WTF?!?!?!?! Why am I feeling this way when he made me feel like a total fool, when there's no chance, and he and I are positive negative opposites, that would never work.
He basically led me on, where my heart was totally on the line, I just opened up my soul to him, and then it was like... bleh... he was so flirtatious, nice, etc. but then he got himself a girlfriend, which made me look like a desperate little slut, and he continued to be nice to me and flirt and all. And I can't help but still feel attraction, when I know it's impossible, and he treated me like crap. He told me I was "buena onda" today, which means "pretty cool," but it still pains me, because he just fucking led me on and was nice to me as he was crushing my heart to little tiny bits. If he had been an asshole about it, I could've hated him and moved on, because assholes aren't worth it. And so now I have this love-hate memory that I had pushed out of mind for awhile, and I guess I just never dealt with it.
He reminds me too much of all my mistakes last year, is what it is. He reminds me of the falls and foolish things that happened last year as I was in the process of moving from Eric to singleness, and I didn't really know how to deal with it all. I had spent 10th and 11th grade with boyfriends, so I was basically pushed into my ninth-grade non-boyfriend mentality, which is not good for someone who's 17 as opposed to 14. There's too much I regret from my high-school years. And I'm still in transition phase from high-school mentality to college mentality, from adolescent to adult mentality and stuff, which makes all those memories bad. Not this "more innocent time" memory lane, but "dear GOD how foolish" memory lane.
I want to wash away the hurt and regret that I felt about him, and move on to better things, like a future in which I can just look back and laugh, not cry, and feel a twinge of sadness, which fades into joy at the bright present that I would have.
I hope he goes to Monterrey and I don't have to think about him or last year anymore, until I can realize one day that "wow, it's all over now" and I can be happy.
It just makes me feel all that more lonely and sad to be away from home and from dear friends. I hate weekends.
He basically led me on, where my heart was totally on the line, I just opened up my soul to him, and then it was like... bleh... he was so flirtatious, nice, etc. but then he got himself a girlfriend, which made me look like a desperate little slut, and he continued to be nice to me and flirt and all. And I can't help but still feel attraction, when I know it's impossible, and he treated me like crap. He told me I was "buena onda" today, which means "pretty cool," but it still pains me, because he just fucking led me on and was nice to me as he was crushing my heart to little tiny bits. If he had been an asshole about it, I could've hated him and moved on, because assholes aren't worth it. And so now I have this love-hate memory that I had pushed out of mind for awhile, and I guess I just never dealt with it.
He reminds me too much of all my mistakes last year, is what it is. He reminds me of the falls and foolish things that happened last year as I was in the process of moving from Eric to singleness, and I didn't really know how to deal with it all. I had spent 10th and 11th grade with boyfriends, so I was basically pushed into my ninth-grade non-boyfriend mentality, which is not good for someone who's 17 as opposed to 14. There's too much I regret from my high-school years. And I'm still in transition phase from high-school mentality to college mentality, from adolescent to adult mentality and stuff, which makes all those memories bad. Not this "more innocent time" memory lane, but "dear GOD how foolish" memory lane.
I want to wash away the hurt and regret that I felt about him, and move on to better things, like a future in which I can just look back and laugh, not cry, and feel a twinge of sadness, which fades into joy at the bright present that I would have.
I hope he goes to Monterrey and I don't have to think about him or last year anymore, until I can realize one day that "wow, it's all over now" and I can be happy.
It just makes me feel all that more lonely and sad to be away from home and from dear friends. I hate weekends.
posted by Annemarie @ 11:12 PM
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