Romance
"The Sweetest Joy, the Wildest Woe, is Love." - Pearl Bailey
All I did today was stay inside, play Zelda: Oracle of Ages, and think.
What do I want of myself?
What do I want in a relationship?
How do I propose going about that?
Let's see: I want to be able to wake up in the morning without an ounce of shame or regret at being me. I want to be able to have enough self-respect to not be a clingy-obsessive girlfriend, should I choose to be in a relationship. I want to have the peace of mind that my parents wouldn't be ashamed of me if they knew who I was with, and what I was doing (Marriage would completely null that, of course). I need to reach and keep that sort of maturity where I don't have the psychological NEED to be with my (hypothetical) boyfriend. If I have a term paper due, I can concentrate on writing it instead of the guilt at not being with said hypothetical boy. Missing someone and not being able to be with them is very different than not WANTING to be with them. However, the adolescent million and a half hours on the phone that go along with that sort of immature relationship really doesn't appeal to me. I don't think it ever did, I guess I just let myself fall into that sort of routine because I didn't want to offend, or seem like I was disinterested (which I probably was, but I tried to keep the fact from the other person, and most especially from myself). To be able to hang up and say guiltlessly, "Sorry, I have to study/go to class/go to sleep/meet my parents/counsel a friend" would be a wonderful feeling... firstly, because it hasn't happened before, and also because it wouldn't measure the amount of affection I held for the opposite person, it would mean that there were other priorities at the moment that could not be ignored.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I simply long for a mature relationship. A relationship where physical intimacy is nice but not the substance. Where I can feel genuinely fulfilled simply by a nice conversation. Where I won't lie to myself and stay in the relationship out of guilt at hurting the person by breaking up with them. Where I don't have to always be the "pusher" in terms of the other person getting stuff done. Where a future is possible but by no means certain, nor will I delude myself into believing a future is there at *ahem* 3 months of dating. Where we are equals in our values and goals in life. I mean, I have dreams and fantasies about the "perfect guy" and granted, some things I could go without (such as: British accent, blue eyes, Lord of the Rings appreciation, etc.) and not cry myself to sleep over their nonexistence. However, there are some things I definitely cannot compromise.
I can go about this by actually being mature and rational about my expectations. I mean, I love the giddy, do-the-happy-dance feeling of having someone ask you out or tell you that they like you, etc, and there's no way I'd give that up for the world! Maturity for me is most definitely NOT a lack of fun :) It's just a lack of preadolescent mentalities and actions that make 7th grade relationships what they are. For the record, there IS a capability of a 17 year old to lapse into 13 year old frames of mind where relationships are concerned.
That's basically what I want for me. Although I might want and yearn for the giddiness and fun of a relationship as I begin college, I know that until said childishness is removed from my brain, my studies have to be FIRST and FOREMOST in my mind. Who am I kidding? If I have sex at this point in time, I'll be one of those obsessed and clingy girls. I don't know when I can grow up in this regard, but who knows, I still have a lot of time to find out.
Annemarie's Personal Rules for Romantic Adventures:
1. Guy must be a good friend prior to any romanticism. (ie. I must know him sufficiently well enough to be beyond basic "what's your mom's/cat's name? What's your favorite color?" etc.)
2. I can't NOT know stuff like
a. he was a heroin addict for 3 years
b. he spent the past 7 years in correctional school
c. he has a kid
d. he's robbed a bank
(I know some of these are ridiculous, but I have known people like that)
3. Be myself and the guy must know the real me. (Burping, weird-eating, socially-anxious, compulsive knitting habits and all :D )
Lengthy? You bet. I don't want to end up in a mess like I have before. Even if I were to allow myself to be in a relationship say, tomorrow, I would at least want to have solidified in my own mind what I want and hope to achieve in a relationship one day.
Buenas Noches!
All I did today was stay inside, play Zelda: Oracle of Ages, and think.
What do I want of myself?
What do I want in a relationship?
How do I propose going about that?
Let's see: I want to be able to wake up in the morning without an ounce of shame or regret at being me. I want to be able to have enough self-respect to not be a clingy-obsessive girlfriend, should I choose to be in a relationship. I want to have the peace of mind that my parents wouldn't be ashamed of me if they knew who I was with, and what I was doing (Marriage would completely null that, of course). I need to reach and keep that sort of maturity where I don't have the psychological NEED to be with my (hypothetical) boyfriend. If I have a term paper due, I can concentrate on writing it instead of the guilt at not being with said hypothetical boy. Missing someone and not being able to be with them is very different than not WANTING to be with them. However, the adolescent million and a half hours on the phone that go along with that sort of immature relationship really doesn't appeal to me. I don't think it ever did, I guess I just let myself fall into that sort of routine because I didn't want to offend, or seem like I was disinterested (which I probably was, but I tried to keep the fact from the other person, and most especially from myself). To be able to hang up and say guiltlessly, "Sorry, I have to study/go to class/go to sleep/meet my parents/counsel a friend" would be a wonderful feeling... firstly, because it hasn't happened before, and also because it wouldn't measure the amount of affection I held for the opposite person, it would mean that there were other priorities at the moment that could not be ignored.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I simply long for a mature relationship. A relationship where physical intimacy is nice but not the substance. Where I can feel genuinely fulfilled simply by a nice conversation. Where I won't lie to myself and stay in the relationship out of guilt at hurting the person by breaking up with them. Where I don't have to always be the "pusher" in terms of the other person getting stuff done. Where a future is possible but by no means certain, nor will I delude myself into believing a future is there at *ahem* 3 months of dating. Where we are equals in our values and goals in life. I mean, I have dreams and fantasies about the "perfect guy" and granted, some things I could go without (such as: British accent, blue eyes, Lord of the Rings appreciation, etc.) and not cry myself to sleep over their nonexistence. However, there are some things I definitely cannot compromise.
I can go about this by actually being mature and rational about my expectations. I mean, I love the giddy, do-the-happy-dance feeling of having someone ask you out or tell you that they like you, etc, and there's no way I'd give that up for the world! Maturity for me is most definitely NOT a lack of fun :) It's just a lack of preadolescent mentalities and actions that make 7th grade relationships what they are. For the record, there IS a capability of a 17 year old to lapse into 13 year old frames of mind where relationships are concerned.
That's basically what I want for me. Although I might want and yearn for the giddiness and fun of a relationship as I begin college, I know that until said childishness is removed from my brain, my studies have to be FIRST and FOREMOST in my mind. Who am I kidding? If I have sex at this point in time, I'll be one of those obsessed and clingy girls. I don't know when I can grow up in this regard, but who knows, I still have a lot of time to find out.
Annemarie's Personal Rules for Romantic Adventures:
1. Guy must be a good friend prior to any romanticism. (ie. I must know him sufficiently well enough to be beyond basic "what's your mom's/cat's name? What's your favorite color?" etc.)
2. I can't NOT know stuff like
a. he was a heroin addict for 3 years
b. he spent the past 7 years in correctional school
c. he has a kid
d. he's robbed a bank
(I know some of these are ridiculous, but I have known people like that)
3. Be myself and the guy must know the real me. (Burping, weird-eating, socially-anxious, compulsive knitting habits and all :D )
Lengthy? You bet. I don't want to end up in a mess like I have before. Even if I were to allow myself to be in a relationship say, tomorrow, I would at least want to have solidified in my own mind what I want and hope to achieve in a relationship one day.
Buenas Noches!
posted by Annemarie @ 1:37 AM
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